Creepy

Mom's comments towards the men in our lives:

To K's husband: "You look thinner...from behind." (later..) "You're skinnier. I can tell in your legs."

To D's bf: "I mean, you just have such a nice complexion."

Brrr...Its Winter

C and I came home for awhile (holiday season). While we were home mom came over several times and each time she cut her visit short. The reason was usually because she left her dogs home alone, but our favorite was when two days in a row she left early because she left her back patio door open. It's less than 10 degrees out. Why did she leave the back door open? So the dogs could go to the bathroom whenever they want - apparently holding it for a few hours is beyond their training experience. Oh, and a doggie door is out of the question. After the first night she reported back that it was a disaster bc it had gotten so cold that the sliding door froze open. She couldn't get it shut and the house was freezing as well...despite cranking the heat up the whole time. Just use your imagination towards what that heating bill looks like! Who DOES THAT?!

Psychic Powers

Recently C got engaged. Mom called K to talk about the exciting news and the first words K heard through the phone were: "Oh I knew!". K couldn't hold back her laughter since there was no way mom knew ahead of time. Mom was offended and shot back (in all seriousness), "I hope you also get psychic powers in your old age!".
Here is how we'll make our millions...exploiting her psychic powers. Over the holidays I'm going to ask her to look into her crystal ball and tell me what my next career will be.
Every major event in our lives has been met with the response "Oh I knew". K's promotions, raises, pregnancy...

My shoulder hurts...

So I got a call last night from mom that went like this:
"My shoulder hurts so I was wondering if you could find out what time Old Navy opens tomorrow"

(How are those things related? She called me...couldn't she have just called Old Navy instead of calling me?...) So I look up online what time Old Navy opens and she says:

"No, that's not right. When they have sales, they open earlier."

Ok...

Alaska

Mom really wanted to go rafting while we were in Alaska a few years ago. We ended up on the Six Mile River...not an easy float down the glacier waters of Alaska.

Let me set up the scene. I sat in the middle row next to K, our guys were in the front row and mom was behind me in the back (where the guide could keep an eye on her). In order to even depart on the trip we first had to pass a swim test that involved jumping in the glacier water and floating downstream, turning over and fiercely swimming to the opposite shore. Mom passed. Don't know how. We started our rafting expedition and mom was immediately chatting up our guide...it's what she does...all the awhile the rest of us are practicing bracing our feet underneath the seat in front of us and carefully placing out bodies in a stance that would prevent being tossed overboard.

When the rapids started I was immediately annoyed because any bump we came across mom threw all her dead weight into my body. Not only was I trying to brace myself from falling out, but I had to brace myself against her imminent impact. I'm not sure what rapid it was - might of been the last one of the second canon - but that's when the chaos really began. Our guide warned us this was going to be an above average crazy rapid. We braced ourselves and paddled our hearts out. When we successfully made it down the drop I remember looking over at K and both of us expressing a cheer of success. I celebrated too early. I felt myself falling backwards. Everything was immediately in slow motion. K remembers seeing the look of confusion across my face. I was confused because I was not falling out; I was being pulled out. Mom fell out and as she went she grabbed onto the strap of my life vest and drug me out with her. I managed to grab onto the raft before I was even out and held onto my paddle, but I was being pushed underwater. It felt like someone was trying to drown me. The others pulled me in...then we recovered mom and a ways down the river her paddle too. Needless to say, when the guide made the offer to go down the more dangerous 3rd canyon we were all in shock that mom was the only one who thought it was an awesome idea. Soaked to the bone from barely unfrozen glacier waters, I did not want a repeat.

We did the third canyon, had a blast and no one fell out. Why did no one fall out? Bc our guide held onto the back of mom's vest during every major rapid/drop. Afterwards when mom called home to tell C somehow this story translated into "No one fell out of the raft!"...not only did 1 fall out, 1 was pulled out as well! We purchased the cd of pictures and when we got home and looked through them we saw the real story. In every picture...every single picture...mom is a dead monkey on my back. No bracing at all.

The point to this story? She was so impressed by her athleticism during this adventure that now, over two years later, she has dedicated her email address to the idea that she's an Alaskan Rafter.

Car Remote

she called this morning and said she had a minor emergency on her hands -- her remote for her car wasn't working so she couldn't unlock her car to get her purse out. so she wanted to know if she could come over to borrow $20 to go buy a new battery for the remote so she could get into the car.
I said: what about using the key to get in the car.
She replied: "Oh. I didn't know you could do that. Let me go try that..."

Meat

So mom called this morning to find out if we wanted to meet for dinner at The Patio tonight. Then when I called her back to ask her what time and to say my husband might not be there because of his class she said:

mom: where do you want to go?

K: I thought you said The Patio?

mom: oh, I thought since your husband's not coming we could go somewhere else.

WTF. Like she only picked the Patio because he was coming? And now that it’s just us women folk we can go somewhere else???

The meat thing - It reminded me of that time when we got back from the park and she asked my father in law what kind of sandwich he wanted and he said he would make his own and mom said: don’t worry us women folk will take care of it. And then she turned to me and said, "K, make his sandwich".